Anxiety and Depression and Parenting Through It

Anxpression or depressxiety — which "ship" name do you like best for the fact that depression and anxiety often seem to hold hands, making it even harder to get rid of them? At our house, this certainly seems to be true. We can tell which one came first, but once you have both, it becomes much harder to determine what the proper course of action is for treatment.

There are loads of things you can do to help prevent both of these conditions: deep breathing, hot showers, proper bedtimes, exercise, nutritious food, strong routines and schedules… and on and on. BUT, and this is where it gets tricky, how do you maintain these habits when you have:

• No energy

• No motivation

• Are super tired

• Feel overwhelmed with too many choices

• Cry all the time

• Are constantly worried your stomach will get upset

  
  

Love, Grace… or a Kick in the Ass?

As a parent, all you want to do is fix things — or at least that is what I want to do — but how do I know what they really need? Do they need love and grace, or do they need a kick in the ass?

I am dealing with young adults… like brand new adults — 20 and 22 years old — so let’s be honest: they don’t really know what they’re doing yet. Sorry kids, but it’s true. They think they know what they’re doing, but mistakes are going to happen. Their priorities are still slightly self‑centered, their decision‑making is sometimes based on social pressure, and at other times they want to be fiercely independent thinkers.

They are experimenting with what works for them — and often that may not be what worked for their parents, which makes it even tougher.

Luckily, in my case, our kids are quite similar to us in their morals and values. They are honest to a fault like their dad and communicate fairly openly like their mom. That sure helps when trying to deal with the anxpression.

For my birthday, we had the most lovely family day at the tree farm. Everyone was happy and healthy and it felt sooooo good! Filled my cup!

However… their mom — aka me — has maybe taught them to be a bit too reflective, and watching that makes me sad. Having them analyze all the worst parts of themselves and fixate on it — it’s not healthy. What have I done?

That’s honestly how I feel right now. Not only genetically am I the one who passed this anxiety and depression to them, but emotionally and mentally they have seen me role‑model this reflective thinking — for better or worse — for years. It is making me analyze myself… even more, yes — and what I could have or should have done differently. And yes, I know… that’s not healthy either. But it’s where I am right now, and it’s what I’m trying to deal with. Logically, I know I didn’t cause this — but when it’s your kids, logic doesn’t always quiet the guilt.

Devin: Taking a Step Back to Get Healthy

So… what are we doing, and where are we at? Well, Devin has sadly decided he needs to take a term off. And I say sadly because, boy, it was sad when we talked this through — super emotional. But credit to this brand‑new adult who just turned 20 last month — he felt he needed to get healthy before committing to a job.

That was not an easy decision.

Growing a moustache for Movember.

Now comes the tough part: what does getting healthy actually look like? We all know what it should look like, but right now I think he is still just in recovery mode — stomach healing from the anxiety, feeling a bit of freedom again, letting go of that constant stress.

When will he start making a plan for getting healthy?

He is most certainly also depressed — I mean, why wouldn’t he be? He barely made it academically through last semester. Third year of university, and he missed an entire month of school throwing up over the course of four months — like geesh. How much material did he miss? How much instruction? How could he make that up when he still wasn’t feeling great? He literally missed mid‑term exams and many assignments, which then all counted as zero — or the percentage was added to his final exam. Hello, final exam worth 65%… God love us. Poor kid. No pressure there.

Anyhow, he technically passed everything — and credit to him, he still has a B‑ average because he did well his first two years. But that can’t have felt good. And the fear of what comes next — will it get any better? — is lingering. You can feel it.

So back to my question… when do I give him that gentle push? Not so much “get your butt in gear,” but more like: let’s start with one thing. Then, once we meet that with success, we add one more thing… and build from there. It is slow. So slow. And that makes consistency hard — which is really what this “kid” needs right now, I think.

Jasmine: When Anxiety Brings a Friend

Phew… that is a lot to think about and process. But unfortunately, my other kid is also struggling with depressxiety. Jasmine is a different case altogether. She has always been a real bundle of energy — go, go, go — like a little Energizer bunny until she crashes and needs to recover, sometimes even for a few days.

Now, the poor thing feels broken.

This is Jasmine at the Grey Cup Party - too exhausted to stay awake.

Crying multiple times a day. Exhausted for no reason — like literally napping in her car at work. Little desire to do anything. Fixated on work and everything she is not doing right.

It started with anxiety, and now she is also fighting its friend, depression. The lack of desire is a shock to her system — she has never experienced that before. She is simply sad, and she knows she has no reason to be, because her life is great… which makes it so very frustrating. That feeling of emptiness, exhaustion, and I don’t care, is so hard to deal with — how do you take that first step when you feel this way?

I experienced this same feeling for years, but it was very mild. I could get through my days parenting and teaching without much effort, but the sadness lingered quietly in the background. For her, the feelings are upfront — really like being smacked in the face, frequently — and they are preventing her from doing her work to the degree she is capable of.

I am really hoping it’s her meds. Originally, they treated her for anxiety, and maybe they overdid it — maybe the meds calmed her panic down too much and brought on the depression? I’m not a doctor — this is just what it looks like from the mom seat.

We are awaiting bloodwork and a new dosage of her current meds to see what happens, but my guess is she may need to experiment with new meds… and that could be a long process. Thankfully, she has good support from family, friends, her boyfriend, her doctor, and her therapist.

What This Means for Mom

So what does this all mean for mom? Well… the kids know this takes a toll. It’s emotional, to say the least. But they also know — this is my job. Taking care of them. I absolutely want them to come to me. To talk to me. To cry to me. I want to be there for them always. I never want them to feel like a burden or like it’s too much. I don’t want them keeping things from me and dealing with it all on their own — unless that is part of the growing‑up piece. Yes, you can make decisions on your own. I do want you to be independent. But I don’t want you to struggle in solidarity. That’s not right. So lean on me when you need to. When you want to. But slowly… you are becoming adults, and I truly want you to become happy, healthy, independent adults.

Why I’m Writing This

Okay moms and dads — please feel free to share your experiences. I know most people are not as open as me, and most teens or young adults would hate having you share their business. So please feel free to speak anonymously and not use names.

There are two main reasons I write:

1. For myself — it’s like therapy. Saying it all and putting it into the world takes some stress off my shoulders and helps me think it through.

2. For others — I know I am not alone in this, and I want other people to know they aren’t alone either.

   
   

Parents need to stick together and help each other through the tough times. And if we don’t share our feelings with someone, it can become a very heavy load to bear.