What is it like to be Fat?

Some of you will squirm when you read that title, and suggest I am being mean or talking negative about myself and yes, I have been known to be hard on myself, but in this case is it a true statement? What is the difference from being overweight and being fat? Well fat, from my understanding is something everyone does need to survive. If I recall from all my readings over the years, it is where we get our energy and it also protects our organs. I am not going to be your Wikipedia here, so feel free to do your own research. I know there are good and bad kinds of fat that you eat, like salmon has great fats that we are encouraged to eat twice a week. I know there are also bad fats in your body, like visceral fat, which is the kind that covers your organs and can increase your risk of things like heart disease and stroke. So fat is an actual thing, an object, a noun as I would teach Grade 5 & 6 students. But being fat is another thing all together.

Being fat, is where you have more fat than your body should have and in medical terms they would call it being obese or in my case morbidly obese. Let's be honest, do either of those words sound any more positive than saying I am fat. Um? Not in my head! Like, what does morbid mean to you? Seriously, that does not sound at all more positive to me.

Being overweight, to me, is maybe being 10-15 lbs over where your ideal bodyweight should be. So if I say I am overweight, really I am just lying, to you and to myself. I am fat or morbidly obese and I have been for over 20 years - that is a fact.

So back to my title, "What is it like to be Fat?" It sucks quite honestly.

• Clothes don't fit very nicely and are often restrictive

• Clothes that fit are hard to find and expensive to buy

• Cool boots are not made for thick calves

• Clothes wear down faster from rubbing (so many holes in my tummy area)

• Thighs chafe and cause rashes

• Bending over is harder with a stomach in your way, making yoga and physio difficult

• Bad back from carrying excess weight on stomach and having larger breasts

• Difficulty bending over to tie shoes, empty dishwasher, put laundry away

• Sore knees from excess weight makes stairs and hill climbing difficult

• Sore feet and ankles from standing makes you want to sit all the time

• It is hard to get comfortable when sleeping, so lots of tossing and turning

• Lack of sleep from tossing and turning or sleep apnea

• Simple jobs become almost impossible - think cutting toenails, shaving pubic area, wiping your ass properly (wonder why bidets are so popular with heavy people?)

• Fitting in chairs... at the outdoor restaurant, in a booth, on the airplane, at the football game.

• Worrying about whether you will fit in the chairs or break the chair

• Feeling uncomfortable for hours while sitting in uncomfortable chairs

• Seeing people's faces when they know they have to sit beside you

• Always being the fattest person in the room

• Not being able to keep up with the kids

• Not being able to participate, at all: weigh restrictions on rides, ziplines, kayaks

• Embarrassing moments, like not being able to lift yourself up when you fall skiing or not being able to get back into the boat or not being able to lift yourself out of the kiddie ball pit.

• Feeling like a failure after trying to lose weight... again.

• Feeling shame every time you make a bad choice.

• Having a fun time with friends and then feeling like shit about it because you ate poorly

• Making a healthy choice and then resenting it the entire time you are trying to have fun

• Looking at photos of yourself

• Choosing to always be in the back of the photo

• Trying to get dressed up for a nice occasion and then feeling self-conscious throughout the nice occasion

• Constant fatigue

• Worrying that if you need someone to save you they will not be able to lift you

• Feeling judged with every food choice I make in public

• Creases that need deodorant or barriers besides armpits: under breasts, under tummy pouch, between thighs

• A closet full of clothes that do not fit

• Getting up from the floor

• Breathing is more difficult

• Knowing your risk of dying has increased in so many ways

• Feeling hopeless because you don't know how to beat the cycle you are in

Look how much space is between the table and my sister and then look at me with the table pressed right up against my stomach :( hate it so much.

So there it is folks, that is not a comprehensive list and will be different for other people. Why do I feel I need to share this with you? I don't know, I guess I think I don't always feel seen. I mean you tell people you are on WW or a diet or trying to be good, and they might say, "good for you" or "how is it going this time?" or "back on the wagon, heh?". And I don't think they know just how hard it is "to get back on the wagon" when you have an eating problem. So I have an eating problem? Well, I am over 100 pounds overweight... I must! Can you think of something, besides a person, that weighs about 100 pounds? Even picture a 25 lb dumbbell or 10 lb bag of flour - now carry that around all day with you. Like ALL day, everywhere and fucking strap it to yourself when you try to sleep. Ugh, it is not easy. So if it sucks so bad, why would you not lose the weight? Why don't I simply eat in a deficit and lose the weight so I feel better?

I wish I knew the answer.